i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize