I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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