True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
So much rum. So many feels.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize