I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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