Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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