My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
