Kiss
Puke
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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