plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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