My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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