At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize