if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
