I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize