but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
