Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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