Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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