I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
