Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
