It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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