cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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