Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
