I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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