why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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