Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Panties = found
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
