The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
