You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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