Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
