i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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