One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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