I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I faked an abortion last night.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He shit in the fireplace
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
