I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
