I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
