omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
