cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
