You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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