Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
