Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize