i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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