My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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