The maid of honor just puked.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
