I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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