uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
So many bounce houses so little time
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
