How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
