oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
