Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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