So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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