I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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