i wish my penis had a tongue
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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