I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize