I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
She needs sedatives and a leash
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
