tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
