Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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