I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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