an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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