drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
