I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
