I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize