If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
