Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
