I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
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