Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
