How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
