k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize